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I've been feeling really down these days, but I don't know how to put it into words just yet. So I will just ramble, forgive me for any nonesense.
Yesterday, I had a big loss. Grandmother gave away one of the five puppies that Honey had spontaneously. (We had no idea she'd have them.) I love these puppies, almost like they were my own. Having nan give one away so soon and without any forewarning was kind of a heavy blow. I miss him. I miss him with a heartache. I told her I didn't like what she did, because it was still too soon. She told me to get out of the house for the second time in less than a week.
Today, I awoke to the experience of a small hurricane, I went downstairs and as I sat there, peering at the darkness outside a lighbulb popped over my head, I didn't get any scratches or glass in my eyes or anything, but do you think anyone even asked if I was all right? No. They told me to clean it.
I've been coughing since last night due to the cold front that's hitting our warm Panamá, today I realized it's probably some kind of flu, because I'm not just coughing, my bones are aching badly and I have a fever that's just mounting up on high.
I found some Panadol and took it, still hasn't worked very well. I told my mother about this, she said it was too late to take me to a doctor and that I shouldn't complain about a cold. I told nan about it, she said she didn't care, that I was old enough to take care of myself.
I talked to an aunt about my whole family situation, but she said it was probably because they want me to 'wake up' and realize that I have to be independant. Okay. Let's see.
No one has to wake me up in the mornings, no one has to serve me breakfast, no one has to clean my room or CB's cage, My mother won't let me near the washing/drying machines so I can't do that but just because she doesn't allow me to use them. There are days when I have to take a taxi to college, it's not an easy task here in Panamá, but as of lately I have stopped complaining, or talking to my family at all for that matter. At college, so far I've gotten straight A's, something I couldn't have achieved in school, any sense of self-satisfaction however, is blown away as soon as I get home. "Hey mom! I got an 'A'!" "Whatever."
Okay, so I climb up to my room, and usually sleep for two hours because I'm exhausted, after which I go downstairs and prepare something to eat, then it's back to my room, where at some point in the vening/night, my Nazi Uncle will come upstairs to pester me about how much I have to loose weight, or how I'm wasting my life away, or something.
I usually let my tension go either by reading something nice, traipsing around Gaiaonline, or listening to some music, but lately, nothing has worked. N o t h i n g. I keep getting tense and tense, and even if I had anywhere to go I couldn't, I wouldn't feel okay because I have no financial stability to do so. I've applied for a metric ton of jobs, yet they never call me for a part time, it's all full time and I can't give up college. No.
I have two friends here, two. And neither of them has been able to listen to what I have to say, I understand because they're on 'heavy' carreers and rarely have time for other things. As I understand nearly everyone around me. But I have to say, the world moves on around me and I can only stand in the middle of the blur, moving forward in slow motion, as though I had tar on my feet sticking me to one spot.
No one's life is perfect, it's true, but I'm human, and as one I just need something to hold on. Like, anything.
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sad
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aggravated
confused
contemplative
Isolated